April 24, 2011
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Patience
I accompanied dad to another of his medical appointments. It’s a huge waiting room, a bit dark and lined with seats. Dad was quiet and for once was reading his magazine. I had an old paperback science fiction novel. I would discreetly glance at dad every so often to see if he had nodded off. There weren’t a lot of folks in the waiting room and the nurses would come out and call out the next appointments. Dad and I quietly settled into our reading, each of us trying to get comfortable in the firm and narrow seats. I heard a gruff and hoarse voice of a new patient wandering in. A woman’s voice quickly retorted “Dad! Will you stop talking so loud! Why do you have to yell?” I looked up. The father was an stout man with a well tanned skin. He was probably in his late 60′s, balding and had a cane. He stopped, turned to the woman behind him and said “I wasn’t yelling.” He had a deep, gravely voice with a slight accent that I couldn’t place. The woman was in her mid to late 30′s, long brown hair with one hand texting on her phone. She had a frown. She looked and sounded impatient.
They eventually sat down after another brief exchange. The man started a conversation with a person sitting beside him. “I wasn’t yelling. I used to be a miner.” While his voice was loud, I didn’t think he was yelling either. While the man was going on with his neighbor, the woman was talking to someone on her phone. I stared at my book and tried to regain my concentration. Twenty minutes later, a nurse came out to talk to them. The woman held a finger out to the nurse and told the person on the phone “I have to go now, the hospital lady wants to talk to me.” Her hand gestured dramatically as if she was conducting a concert. “I’ll call you back. Yes… I’ll call you back in a few minutes. Right… ok… yes, she’s here and needs to talk to me.” The nurse quietly told them that one of the scanners is down and they need to reschedule their appointment for the next day. They agreed on the time to come back. The father looked a bit confused but got up to listen to the exchange.
“Come on dad! We have to go now!” The woman was already 15 feet ahead. The father slowly moved to catch up “Yes, I’m coming.” “Stop talking so loud!” The old man said to no one in particular. “I used to be in a mine.” He pointed to his ears, “I can’t hear too well.” He noticed me staring at him. I smiled back and waved goodbye to him. He smiled at me and slowly walked off.
I glanced over at dad and felt bad for all of us. I wonder if I sound that way when I’m impatient.
Comments (20)
I find this depressing somehow. And yet not.
I can’t stand my father, and I wouldn’t take him to the doctor if it would save his life.
I know this makes me look like a horrible human being, but I’m not. He is.
I kind of envy you.
More drama at the doctor’s office! I feel sad when seeing older people have a hearing problem, and their younger family members growing impatient with the situation.
Everyone seems to be impatient in hospitals.
Poor old man. What an evil woman. She should’ve been more understanding to a father who worked in a mine to bring her up.
SOme children are so ungrateful no matter what their ages are.
A doctor once said to me that it doesn’t work for the elderly to live in their children’s homes — this is typical of the reason for that statement.
I do feel sorry for the gentleman. Age does cause some of us, me, to slow down. I am not sure I talk loudly because my hearing is good but if the hearing begins to go then the volume of the voice goes up. My folks as you may know disowned me so I had no contact with them in their old age. I tried but was not welcome.
That was a good observation. My father died when I was very young and didn’t get to look after him. But my mother was completely different and I could never look after her, as she used to be very mean as a person. So I could never look after her. Its sad, but that’s how things were. Obviously you must have had a good relationship with him
reading that makes me sad. i’ve seen a lot of people bring in their family members to our lab to be tested, and most of them seem quite nice. i suppose it’s different because the people we see have neurological disorders that give them some “excuse” for why they are moving slowly, but i think losing hearing and the ability to act quickly is a characteristic that many elderly face. the thing is, no matter how impatient we get, it’s not going to change the situation, so i don’t think it’s really worth getting all upset about.
We all need reminders
You, dear Matt, would never sound impatient.
Some children just are mean to the parents. I have seen that a lot in my practice.
@Bricker59 - I am fortunate to have a good relationship with my dad now. From what I’ve read in your blog, I think you’re a good father.
@CurryPuffy - I hope this is as bad as it gets in that family.
@oxyGENE_08 - maybe hospital brings out the worse in people.
@BenelliMan - I agree with you. She should have been a lot more grateful.
@slmret - I think you’re right. They have different needs and wants. I also think there’s often still a lot of tension and unresolved conflicts from the past that amplifies the tension.
@Fatcat723 - I do remember you writing about your folks. It’s sad that they didn’t see what a wonderful man you are. In the beginning when dad would talk loudly or act confused, I used to get embarrassed. But I’ve gotten used to it and it no longer bothers me as much.
@Mal_P - I’m fortunate my relationship with my dad improved in the last few years. It wasn’t bad before, he was just distant and never showed a lot of emotion. (typical Asian dad…).
@kunhuo42 - we all get old so you’re right, I don’t know why some folks get so worked up. I think it’s their turn to be on “top” and to show their parents who’s in charge now.
@npr32486 - yes, I wish we all had this quiet reminders inside us to tell us to be more patient & understanding.
@ZSA_MD - I worry about my sister and her relationship with my dad. I’m just glad she doesn’t take him down for any of his appointments. Thank you for the compliment but I do get impatient from time to time. It’s not pretty.
@ElusiveWords - Matt, after reading your comments and entries, I’m learning some valuable insights on how to deal with aging parents. On a recent conversation with my mom, she requested that I moved back home to take care of them when the “time” comes. Although I don’t mind moving back to Asia, that’ll be a monumental task and I have a lot of stuff to consider.
Forgive us our moments of impatience…
my dad does the same thing. i guess it’s an asian nature to talk loud. i don’t like it and will never encourage it, however, i find myself, once in a while, talks just as loud when i get impatient or excited. it must be in the genes, right? or is it more of a cultural behavioral thing?
We are not perfect.
@CurryPuffy - wow – that’s a big responsibility. I don’t know how things work in HKG at all (social services, medical system, hospitals, doctors, community services, private services). If you’re going back, you’ll have to somehow get to know all these things ahead of time. I’m not sure how you will get out from work (leave of absence?) or if your brother is also going back. Like you said – there’s a lot of stuff to consider.
@christao408 - yeah… sometimes I can lose it too but I try to just take a deep breath first.
@rudyhou - I think it’s just human nature. I also think if the hearing is gone, people tend to talk louder.
@yang1815 - I’d like to fantasize that I am perfect.
@ElusiveWords - I’d like to fantasize something else.
@rudyhou - Seems to be a cultural thing…based on my travels.
@CareyGLY - maybe so. but matt is right, when one have a hearing impairment, one would talk louder in order to hear oneself.
I can see myself in that situation – being the impatient son. I don’t like to admit it, but I do act like that sometimes (generally, not in public, though).