August 14, 2011
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My anxiety
Sometimes I wish I was far away from my own reality. If only the ESC key on my laptop meant I could escape the bonds that are holding me back. The bonds I realize are self imposed. They have been woven and welded over many years. I'd like to believe I can have more friends. I'd like to believe that maybe one day I can still be a father but I've buried that dream some time ago. Every so often I revisit the grave yard of my lost dreams. The tombstones are more than what I wanted to see. I don't stay long. I like to believe I can one day become a writer. Every day that I don't take a step towards this goal is another step behind. I want a profession I truly love where I can support myself. The job I have is ok but the hours are grueling. Yet it pays the many bills that I have. I hope to become a decent photographer - I don't need to be a world class photographer. I just want to be able to memorize and use all those features in my camera that I don't always use. There are many more of these hopes and dreams.
I look at others with misplaced envy. Their lives seem so perfect. I mumble to myself, "the grass is always greener on the other side ...". I just want to peek at their angst to make sure. While I stew and simmer in my prison, time just marches on.
Comments (32)
I feel you.
I'm your friend
@supanamja - @pika_whoosh - thank you both.. (I must be having a bit of an anxiety attack today).
@ElusiveWords - It happens on lazy sundays. Make yourself a nice drink and put something funny on the television.
Those lives that appear to be so perfect most often have non-perfect elements that are just not apparent in public. Relax and enjoy the day.
Geeez man....Have a beer or ten.
Then read the camera instructions while you're having them.
Welcome to the club. I think I may have to put together a bucket list - not that I am ending but I sure need to address some of my dreams. Maybe I could start by wining the lottery
. Hang in there Matt. You sound like me -or is that good???
Hugs Matt. I dont live too too far away...I'd totally go shooting with you if you have time.
Yes, indeed Matt....'the grass is always greener on the other side'! Well, I'm not satisfied with my current situation, but when I look at the current economic climate, I'm lucky to have a job to pay my bills!
I hear you! I would have different reasons.
You have many plans to better yourself. But are you taking steps to reach any of those goals ? My suggestion is write everything you plan on doing on paper and place that paper where you can see it every day. Because whats out of sight is out of mind.
hope u feel better love... <3
You are great imaginative writer, hehe. I have many dreams I want to do also. All I need is time, money to live on, and talent. I lack the last the most,
.
'simret' is right. it's good to have a goal but it just seems that you make your wishes to be the perfect solution to your life happiness. the grass will ALWAYS seem greener on the other side.
You're already a writer- I wonder why you think otherwise! There are so many things I want to escape from too... but I guess that's just how life is.
shoot often so you get used to it.
I want to be a writer too, and want publish my own book. Oh, its a dream right now.
I hope you find the daily small steps to take that get you down the road to your desired destination. I am 78 and still trying to have fun, enjoy life, and do a few interesting things.
Matt, I think we all have those sorts of feelings. Some of the things we want to do in life, we may never have time nor opportunity for. Other things won't happen because we get caught up in the busyness of life. But I think the most important things are the ones we ultimately do get done. They say you can know a person's values by looking at how he or she spends time and money. What are the most important things for you?
Geez, I haven't been on Xanga for a while, and I come back and see you've become Debbie Downer! LOL
Chin up mate. You are in control of your destiny. Soldier on!
Chris had a really interesting observation.
Gah, Matt, I'm really hoping this week you'd take one step towards one of your dreams - please just do one thing! Do one thing, even if you think it'll be a failure.
@slmret - yeah, I took a couple of deep breaths and a walk later on. I guess I just needed to vent.
@Bricker59 - after 10 beers I won't even know what a camera looks like.... hahaha.
@Fatcat723 - winning a lottery would be good. I'm feeling a lot better now, I get these waves of despair once in awhile.
@macphoto - I might drive you nuts "What f/stop are you using? Why do they call it f stop? Do you think Canon is better than Nikon?... I could go on." hahaha... I'm feeling fine now, I was just having a bad day that day. It would be awesome to watch how you take pictures. Thanks for the rec too.
@CurryPuffy - I never knew that about your job. Actually I don't think you've ever written about your job. But yeah, just hitting a bit of turbulence that day but feeling fine now Gary.
@Mal_P - thanks - I feel better actually after writing this.
@The_Eyes_Of_A_Painter - that's a good suggestion - thank you.
@perfectisntgoodenough - I do, thank you for dropping by.
@stevew918 - Well Steve,I would disagree on the talent. You were in demand in your last job and you teach at university. I appreciate the compliment about my writing - that was nice to hear.
Angst is the price of nearly everything, among other things... if you ever think the grass is greener on the other side, don't forget about my blog- a veritable swamp of misery and angst lately!
@rudyhou - you're right Rudy, it always seems greener on the other side. I feel better now, it was just a momentary deep funk.
@Dezinerdreams - well, I just write here. My fantasy is to write a book or even in a magazine.
@yang1815 - you wouldn't believe the number of times I have to reach for my instruction manual.
@Mal_P - that's my dream too.
@ANVRSADDAY - hi and thank you for dropping by and for the words of encouragement.
@ElusiveWords - wwwwhat
@christao408 - you've got some good points here Chris. It's worth some quiet time to do some reflecting. I think I just had one of these moments of deep funk (sort of like a 24 hr bug).
@CareyGLY - Well, if you're on Xanga more often I wouldn't have succumbed to Debbie Downer.
We had a brief fling - thankfully it didn't last long.
@secade - Ah yes... but you write so well about your angst and pain.
@stepaside_loser - I almost missed your comment. Yeah, I should follow that advice. I know you're busy so thank you for dropping by.
I have no idea how I missed this post of yours. I usually always reciprocate. Bad me!
Mattie don't feel bad. All of us have the same feelings. You don't know how many people you know, feel this way or worse. You can charter your own course and be on top of the world. A lot of people may give the wrong impression that they are really dandy and perfect in their lives. But that's not true. It is true, Grass Always Looks Greener On The Other Side Of The Fence.
Hope by now you have got over the dumping syndrome! love ya.
@ZSA_MD - oh, sometimes our Xanga in boxes get pretty cluttered. I sometimes miss a lot of entries. I'm over the dumping syndrome now - it was a sudden wave of despair.
I can relate as I had experienced that myself over the years. I don't know your age but personally speaking, everything got better over time. I am a lot more content with my life than I was and I'm pretty sure it will also for you. As for being a photographer, just go and grab a camera and take pictures. You can only get better.
@Fongster8 - thanks for the comment David and apologies for not responding sooner. I think this was a momentary thing and while it's over, there is some residual feelings of angst. I just have to keep moving forward. I've been trying to take more pictures lately & rediscovering my camera.
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