I watched this last week and was totally engrossed.  It's just over 18 minutes so set aside a bit of quiet time.  

Source:  http://www.ted.com/talks/joshua_prager_in_search_for_the_man_who_broke_my_neck.html

I'm going to turn this into a tumblr when I simply reblog other stuff. 

I spent an hour yesterday writing an entry and deleted it afterwards.  It was about a pair of ducks that have returned to my dad's lawn.  1 hour.... 1 paragraph on ducks.  Why is it so hard to write?  Maybe I need to be in a more positive frame of mind. 

Moving on to other things in life that annoy me:

1.  Working from Home

Now I understand why people complain about the lack of separation between home and work.  I work long hours and still do.  My desk is a combination of work stuff and my personal stuff.  I've found that when I work, I have to move my laptop away from my desk so I have more room to work.  It also decreases the temptation to procrastinate.  The sad part is when I do my own stuff, it feels like work.  I still sit at the same chair and work from the same desk.  The unhappiness from work just seeps into personal space very easily. 

2.  Driving Standard 

It's not driving standard that is annoying.  It's the pain to my uhm... balls.  When it's not tucked in properly, it just moves back and forth when I'm press down on the clutch.  It's not a big deal on a highway when there's little traffic.  But when I have to shift a lot, it's like someone gently squeezing it every time I press down on the clutch.  Most guys don't have this problem because most guys don't drive standard.  Maybe I should just wear a jock strap when I drive. 

3.  Stupid Drivers

I almost rammed an airport limo on purpose because he cut me off while I was trying to merge.  He actually sped up and almost forced me to the guardrails.  I tucked in behind him and
went to pass him.  But he decided to "drift" into my lane.  It took every ounce of self control to just let it go.  I must have a lot of pent up frustration and anger building inside.  Maybe I'll take it out on the next person that cuts me off. 

I had 2 odd dreams recently. 

1.  In this dream, I was just about to wake up.  The alarm from my phone was beeping impatiently.  But I wanted to sleep in for a few more minutes.  I debated with myself.  Surely I deserve a few more minutes of sleep.  But I knew I had to get up.  I rolled to my left, opened my eyes and reached for the phone.  After a couple of tries, I was able to find my phone and hit the button.  I started to get out of the bed when I heard the alarm going off again.  But I'm still in this half sleep half awake stage again.  I wanted to sleep some more but then I thought, didn't I wake up already?  I opened my eyes, reached to my left, found my phone and turned off the alarm. I don't have a snooze button on my phone.  I checked the time and it was 6 AM, the usual time for my alarm.  I guess this is what happens when you become sleep deprived.  My subconscious is working overtime to make sure I wake up on time. 

2.  Anonymous bloggers like me can be a source of annoyance curiosity to other bloggers who bare it all.  Like you, I'm always curious about other bloggers who don't bare it all.  I dreamt I was in a coffee shop with Andrew or #stepaside-loser.  My dream started in the middle, I don't remember how we got there, how we introduced ourselves etc...  But the dream starts off with me sitting by myself in a coffee place.  I just knew Andrew had left the table momentarily.  I don't know how I knew it was him but I did. And because my dream started in the middle, I didn't even see him before he left the table.   But Andrew left his laptop on the table.  So I decided that I would look into his laptop and find out who he really is.  Of course, it would have made more sense to just wait until he returned but my dreams never have any logic.  I opened his laptop and I couldn't figure out how to use it at all.  I kept thinking, I need to hack into it before he returns.  But it didn't even look like a laptop anymore.  And before I knew it, this wisp of a dream vanished.  So I guess I won't find out what Andrew looks like. 

When I reflect on where I am in life right now, it's not where I want it to be and more importantly where I need it to be.  My physical, emotional and mental health is so out of kilter.  Kachino left this for me - merci beaucoup.

I remember my dreams.  There are so many things to do before I can set my life back on track again.  Maybe this is life's way of jolting me out of my "comfort zone".  If I can't get the hint to move on, there's nothing like pain and misery to prompt me to move.  It's a kick in the ass when gentle hints won't do.  There's no sense wallowing in regret.  I can't give up.  I know whatever happens, I can't change overnight.  It'll be small and sometimes painful steps moving forward. 

I heard about Glen Hansard a couple of months ago.  I had no idea he was so well known already.  I really like how he crafts his songs.  When you close your eyes and listen, you can't help but smile and nod in appreciation.  I used to find time to sit down and listen to music at home.  If a song caught my attention, I would check out the lyrics.  I can't remember the last time I did that. 

"High Hope"

Thinking and writing about work makes me depressed.  I do think I need a different way of managing my manager.  Tips, suggestions and advice are welcomed.

Although I am going through a difficult time at work, I remembered when I worked for another manager that was just as bad - if not worse.  I also think of all the crap my dad had to deal with when he first moved here.  The jobs he got were not what he was used to.  He was always told he didn't have enough Canadian experience.   He had his share of being unemployed while figuring out how to keep a roof over our heads, feeding us and paying the bills.  I can't imagine the stress and anxiety he and mom must have gone through.  The crap I go through now pales in comparison to what they went through.  Now I understand why my dad had a lot of problems sleeping.  He would always be up late reading.  I'm sure he was trying to forget his troubles and calm his mind.

My cousin who recently transferred to San Fran is also working really long hours (up to 80 hrs / week).   I don't know how he does it but I know he runs (I don't).  I hope work starts to slow down soon for him.  It would be nice to chat with him again.

I would also be remiss if I didn't mention how appreciative I am of my friends here.  Thank you all.

I work around 60 to 70 hrs a week now.  This includes weekends.  It's taken a toll on my health and emotional well being.  On Friday, J came over after work to cheer me up and drag me out to dinner.  We ended up at a French restaurant after walking around a bit.  I was so hungry I ate everything except for 1 small piece of bread.  It was a relaxing and quiet dinner.  I even had a glass of wine with dinner.  The next day,  I woke up early but got very sleepy and tired in the afternoon.  J came over and we picked up my cousin to grab a bite to eat.  It was good to chill out with my cousin and we all had a nice dinner with the usual jokes and insults flying all over the place.   

At dinner tonight, dad sensed work was still bothering me but he was at a loss for advice.  I wish I had stayed longer after dinner to chat with him.  But I had to get back to my work. 

Really, I'm a zombie now.  I have to be this way to put up with the crap.  I started to look around at different resources for career planning, job search and so on.  The most common advice is to find what I'm passionate about.  I stared at the screen and couldn't come up with anything, not one thing.  That really scared me. Then I got angry with myself for letting this happen. 

Does anyone want to hire an anonymous blogger? 

I've whined a lot about work.  I don't have my manager's backing and from what I can tell, he doesn't trust me anymore.  I should have planned my exit strategy earlier and not try to stick it out.  There's a difference in not giving up and walking away from a deteriorating situation.  When I leave I want to do it on my terms and hopefully in a positive manner.  I'm tired of the long hours.  I don't want to wake up nervous about what the day will be like. 

When I pray at night (on those nights when I feel weak), I pray for the strength to see me through this and to help me find my way. 

Thanks to all of you who have given me words of comfort, encouragement and support.

Snippets:  Noun; what Matt writes when he can't write

1.  I have a colleague that looks a lot like Chris (Christao408).  But my coworker is probably a bit stockier and his voice is not as deep as Chris.  My coworker’s work can be a bit messy sometimes.  But because he looks like Chris, I always find myself giving him the benefit of doubt.   It’s odd - I always have to remind myself to treat him just like everyone else.  But if my colleague starts talking about food and airplanes, I’m going to freak out.

2. I was working late the other night at my desk.  My desk is located in the corner of my condo and faces the wall.  That night, I felt there was something watching me.  Aside from my desk lamp and the kitchen light, the rest of the condo was dark.  My mind said there wasn’t anyone but I my back started to tingle.  I turned around and of course there wasn’t anyone.   I walked to the door and it was still locked.  Needless to say I slept with my lights on that night.  What's also strange is that if I sleep with my light on, it'll be off in the morning.  I started to freak out until I caught myself turning off the light in the middle of the night. 

3.  Being anonymous here can be difficult.  Sometimes I feel like telling the world who I am.  But if I did that, then I'll have to delete a lot of embarrassing entries.  But seriously, I never thought I would connect with people at all here.  It was just a place for an online journal when I started.  As bizarre as this seems to you all, this is sometimes agonizing for me.  I know it's easier to make virtual friends and maybe that's what I'm looking for.

4.  My TV is getting old.  The picture is still clear and the colours are ok.  But the picture is getting bigger.  It's as if I'm watching through a zoom lens.  So eventually I'll have to upgrade.  But what to get - LCD, LED or Plasma?  It's so confusing. 

5.  You know what's strange?  I actually miss Xanga chat even though I only used it a handful of times and rarely turn it on.  But the chats I did have were good ones.

You shouldn't even exist and yet you do.  I followed your scent as you walked into my kitchen.  I only purchased you for the evening and wondered if there would be more evenings with you.  I felt like a lusty, horny predator when I slipped you out of your clothes.  My eyes drank your beauty from head to toe.  My tongue flickered out like a snake and sampled you.  My hands continued to slide over your luscious skin.  You didn't mind at all. 

Ah... the bacon, ham, pineapple pizza w/ cheese.  I didn't think I would like you but I will sleep with you again.