I work around 60 to 70 hrs a week now.  This includes weekends.  It's taken a toll on my health and emotional well being.  On Friday, J came over after work to cheer me up and drag me out to dinner.  We ended up at a French restaurant after walking around a bit.  I was so hungry I ate everything except for 1 small piece of bread.  It was a relaxing and quiet dinner.  I even had a glass of wine with dinner.  The next day,  I woke up early but got very sleepy and tired in the afternoon.  J came over and we picked up my cousin to grab a bite to eat.  It was good to chill out with my cousin and we all had a nice dinner with the usual jokes and insults flying all over the place.   

At dinner tonight, dad sensed work was still bothering me but he was at a loss for advice.  I wish I had stayed longer after dinner to chat with him.  But I had to get back to my work. 

Really, I'm a zombie now.  I have to be this way to put up with the crap.  I started to look around at different resources for career planning, job search and so on.  The most common advice is to find what I'm passionate about.  I stared at the screen and couldn't come up with anything, not one thing.  That really scared me. Then I got angry with myself for letting this happen. 

Does anyone want to hire an anonymous blogger? 

I've whined a lot about work.  I don't have my manager's backing and from what I can tell, he doesn't trust me anymore.  I should have planned my exit strategy earlier and not try to stick it out.  There's a difference in not giving up and walking away from a deteriorating situation.  When I leave I want to do it on my terms and hopefully in a positive manner.  I'm tired of the long hours.  I don't want to wake up nervous about what the day will be like. 

When I pray at night (on those nights when I feel weak), I pray for the strength to see me through this and to help me find my way. 

Thanks to all of you who have given me words of comfort, encouragement and support.

Snippets:  Noun; what Matt writes when he can't write

1.  I have a colleague that looks a lot like Chris (Christao408).  But my coworker is probably a bit stockier and his voice is not as deep as Chris.  My coworker’s work can be a bit messy sometimes.  But because he looks like Chris, I always find myself giving him the benefit of doubt.   It’s odd - I always have to remind myself to treat him just like everyone else.  But if my colleague starts talking about food and airplanes, I’m going to freak out.

2. I was working late the other night at my desk.  My desk is located in the corner of my condo and faces the wall.  That night, I felt there was something watching me.  Aside from my desk lamp and the kitchen light, the rest of the condo was dark.  My mind said there wasn’t anyone but I my back started to tingle.  I turned around and of course there wasn’t anyone.   I walked to the door and it was still locked.  Needless to say I slept with my lights on that night.  What's also strange is that if I sleep with my light on, it'll be off in the morning.  I started to freak out until I caught myself turning off the light in the middle of the night. 

3.  Being anonymous here can be difficult.  Sometimes I feel like telling the world who I am.  But if I did that, then I'll have to delete a lot of embarrassing entries.  But seriously, I never thought I would connect with people at all here.  It was just a place for an online journal when I started.  As bizarre as this seems to you all, this is sometimes agonizing for me.  I know it's easier to make virtual friends and maybe that's what I'm looking for.

4.  My TV is getting old.  The picture is still clear and the colours are ok.  But the picture is getting bigger.  It's as if I'm watching through a zoom lens.  So eventually I'll have to upgrade.  But what to get - LCD, LED or Plasma?  It's so confusing. 

5.  You know what's strange?  I actually miss Xanga chat even though I only used it a handful of times and rarely turn it on.  But the chats I did have were good ones.

You shouldn't even exist and yet you do.  I followed your scent as you walked into my kitchen.  I only purchased you for the evening and wondered if there would be more evenings with you.  I felt like a lusty, horny predator when I slipped you out of your clothes.  My eyes drank your beauty from head to toe.  My tongue flickered out like a snake and sampled you.  My hands continued to slide over your luscious skin.  You didn't mind at all. 

Ah... the bacon, ham, pineapple pizza w/ cheese.  I didn't think I would like you but I will sleep with you again.  

I don't remember a lot of my dreams but sometimes the feelings and emotions from a dream carry over into my morning.  This morning, I woke up late again and didn't give it too much thought.  And then it hit me just as I was sipping my coffee.  I dreamt my brother shot me.  Bit by bit, the fragments of my dream started to come together.  I remember shooting at people with a sawed off shotgun and reloading it a few times.  The other memory is of my brother standing over me with a handgun while I stared at him.  I saw the gun discharge and he left the room.  But I didn't feel the bullets hitting me.  It felt more like puffs of air.  I wondered if I was dead and felt my chest but there wasn't any pain or any sign of blood. 

In other news, I'll be checking into an asylum soon.  I hope they will let me continue to blog. 

This is a bit late...

Over the holidays, hotpot at a friend's place

shrimp, crab, salmon & scallops

I think this is lamb or maybe it was pork?

mushrooms, veggies, tofu

Chinese  / Lunar New Year:

This is the temple that J and I go to every year.  It was jammed and very hot in there and I didn't take a lot of pictures.  I couldn't even move.

In the last couple of years, they had a wishing tree.  This year, they had the wishes hung up against the wall.

I can't believe we're about to head into March soon.  2013 seems to be moving so fast. 

This is from Lucas' /  @xtremepsionic's suggestion to post something interesting from our living room. 

I think I got this miniature dish of dumplings from a night market in Chiang Mai years ago.  

It's a sad sight for a dumpling lover like me.  I would need a thousand of these dishes to fill me up.   If this are real dumplings, I could literally inhale them.  Although it would probably clog up my nose.

My real world and virtual world are clashing.  The bonds and relationships of my virtual world don't translate well into the real world.  It's odd.  I guess that's what happens when I keep the 2 worlds separate.  Although the feelings may be real - the relationships formed don't survive in the real world.  It's a bit like smoke - you can see it, smell it but you can't hold on to it. 

I have no idea why this is bothering me right now when I need to sleep.  It's triggered something deep in me that I can't get a handle on just yet. 

Maybe my mind is so jumbled up from work I can't think straight anymore.

There's this Xangan who lives in my neighbourhood.  But I have never seen him around.  When he told me he goes to the same supermarkets I go to, I've always been on alert.  Every Asian guy gets extra scrutiny.  I've even mistaken a couple of non Asians for him because I'm so jumpy.  I always joke with him that he'll never find me and I'll always spot him.  He actually thought he spotted me once but it wasn't me.  But he told me that if I see him, I should introduce myself.  I said of course I will.  But I figured I have better odds of bumping into Jay Chou. 

Today I was meeting my brother and my dad for another one of dad's appointments.  As I was heading to the exit at a subway station, I saw him walking towards me.  I took a closer look and it was him!  By then he had almost walked past me.  Should I say hi or should I just keep walking?  I decided to call out his name.  He stopped and looked at me.  I walked over introduced myself.  He looked surprised.  I'm sure my big Charlie Brown head must have startled him.  But I think I may have surprised myself as well.  I just went with my gut feeling and it felt right.  Besides, he's been one of my longest subscriber and vice versa.  Our conversation was short because we were both in a hurry.  But he is as nice in person as he is in his blog. 

I just wished I had my elevator speech prepared as I probably sounded like a babbling mime.  But another brick has fallen from my wall.  I'll have to find some more disguises.

Sheldon aka @Brooklyn2028, it was great bumping into you today!

I really dread work now.  I just try to take it a day at a time.  As much as I hate it, I don't know why I seem to be glued to it.  I know I need the money.  But I wonder if I'm doomed to repeat some errors from my previous lives.  Is it fear of failure?  Maybe it's procrastination?  Maybe I just like to punish myself with stress ... a warped form of mental self flagellation.  It's time to develop my options.  I need to regain control of my life. 

Tonight when I dream, maybe I'll take a long walk on a beach.  If I see one set of footprints in the sand,  I hope I'll have the wisdom to know that I'm not alone. 

This will be a journey through dark valleys and deep canyons accompanied by reflection and introspection.  What will lie ahead?