I ate too much this past week.  I think I need a wheelbarrow to support my tummy when I walk. 

J cooked Xmas dinner for his family.  I got in just as J was dispatching the last of the lobsters and crabs.  He had a bandage on one of the fingers courtesy of a death grip from a crab.  I love these moments.  I put on my innocent face and asked “Did it hurt?”    

Here’s some of the pictures of the food.

The crab and lobsters dusted with corn starch before being dropped into the wok.

I was demoted to kitchen help and was asked to keep an eye on the tofu as they were being fried.

BBQ Pork

There were 2 heaping plates of lobsters and crabs stir fried in ginger and green onions.  It was very good.

After the tofu was fried, I drizzled some of the sauce that J made for it.  It’s a sweet / salty / tart sauce with shallots that
 complimented the fried tofu very well.  I took the extra sauce home.

There was also a dish with mushrooms, greens and sea cucumber.  I also took the extra sauce home too.

One of the relatives brought over sushi / sashimi. 

It was a long day for J and I gave him a backrub and leg massage afterwards.

For my family Xmas dinner, we went to a member of our extended family.  It was a potluck supper with everyone bringing in food.

My sister made butternut squash soup. 

Some of the candies that were scattered all over the house

The hostess made roast beef.  There were a lot of other dishes too but I was too busy eating.

Someone made cherry cheesecake for dessert.  I had a small slice and it was good but very filling.

What did I make?  Nothing, I was demoted to bringing wine.  Just as well, I didn’t have anytime this year to shop or cook.  Although we agreed not to exchange gifts, both my brother and sister got me presents.  What did I get them?  Nothing.  I guess I’ll have to find a way to make it up.  But I’m thankful to see dad smile at his gifts and for another opportunity to enjoy wonderful meals that were lovingly prepared.

It’s Christmas in less than a week and I haven’t even done any shopping.  We usually have a secret Santa but no one is organizing it this year.  So I guess I have to do some shopping.  My default gift will be the good ol’ red pouch. The toughest person to buy any gifts will be my dad.  The best gift I can give him will be my time.  The rest of my family and extended family will have to do with whatever I come up with. 

Looking back at past Christmas (when I was younger and less cynical), the best gifts were simple ones that I got from my parents.  I knew they worked hard for the money.  It was always tight.  If I got clothes, it wasn’t the fancy name brands.  But it was new and it did the job.  I remember the Christmas meals.  We didn’t have turkey.  It was usually a roast duck or lamb.  Sometimes my mom would debone a duck, stuff it with sticky rice, mushrooms, Chinese sausage and other things. It was always so complicated and she would spend hours in the kitchen preparing it.  We would take our time enjoying dinner.  We used the special dishes and cutlery along with the wine glasses. There would be a couple of long distance phone calls from relatives.

When mom had more time, she would make some dumplings and steam them.  The windows would be covered with the humidity and it would quickly freeze up.  I always thought the windows that never sealed tight created the most wonderful ice patterns. 

I haven’t created any special Christmas memories these past few years.  I need to change things around.

 

I’ve grown to be indifferent to this time of the year.  I don’t enjoy the cold, dark days.  The crass commercialism and madness at the malls make me cringe.  Every year, it gets a bit tougher to slog through this winter blues.  Last year, I had Mike (aka arenadi … where is he now?) to sort of keep me company.  I didn’t grow up in a poor family but we knew money was tight.  I learned that it was ok to lie to the bill collectors and others that hounded us.  Some of those calls left my mom in tears.  Christmas was simple for us .  Since we didn’t have relatives in the country, it was just us.  I usually got clothes.  There was always good food on the table along with sparkling wine.  We didn’t have turkey for our family of 5.  Some times we had duck, lamb, goose, chicken, ham with lots of festive Chinese food.  If mom was steaming or simmering something, the windows would all be filled with condensation that would freeze over. 

When we were older and started to work, our gifts started to become a bit more lavish especially for our parents.  Sometimes I gave them tickets for a concert series from the local symphony.  It wasn’t uncommon for me to spend a couple of hundred dollars per person.  I didn’t blink at that.  It was my finally my turn.  Maybe we were all trying to make up for lost times.  The gifts would be sprawled out from under the Christmas tree.  My gifts were the easiest to recognize.  I never wrapped them.  It was just covered in those gift tissue papers and stuffed in gift bags. 

A few years ago, when mom was diagnosed with cancer we knew then she only had months to live.  I don’t even remember what I got her.  I think it was something very simple to keep her warm.  It was a bleak Christmas but we somehow got through it.  The first Christmas after that was tough.  While there were gifts under the Christmas tree, the living room felt very empty.  The chair where mom used to always sit stayed empty. 

Since then, we never had a Christmas tree up anymore – it was too much work to put up and take down.  There aren’t any Christmas dinners at the house.  It was too much work to clean up the house.  So it was always at other people’s places.  I would put up phony smiles and hugs.  My good cheer on the outside hid my true inner self.  In the past couple of years  of celebrating Christmas with the extended family (my sister in law’s family), we just drew a name and set a limit on the gift.  It was easier on the wallet for everyone. 

This Christmas stuff all just seems silly now.  I just want this season to be over with.  If my 8 year old self could see me now, he probably would be very confused and let out a small tear or two. 

I found this letter at my mom’s dresser a few weeks ago.  I had no idea she kept it all these years.  I don’t remember writing the letter at all but I do have some faint memories of drawing the 2 illustrations.

 

Here’s what the letter says. 

Dear Santa,
Merry Christmas to you!  How are you?  I am fine.  Now I know some good manners.  I think I know some of the reindeers.  Now let’s see, Rudolph, Vixen, Dasher, Blizten (sic), Prancer, Dancer, Comet and Cupid.  I like some of their pictures.  Now for the gifts…
1.  A war game with grenades, guns, make believe bullets and a field glass.
2.  Some test tubes for the science (drawing of  test tube) made of glass and some scienctific (sic) instrument & a water pistol.
3.  In the 1 gift , I want also the something like this (drawing of gunscope) that makes you aim it.  And a camera like but when you press the snapper water comes out.  Can you make it just like the same as the true camera?  Send me some pictures of you and your helpers.

I actually signed the letter and printed my name in case he couldn’t make out the signature.

It’s been absolutely relaxing to have the last couple of weeks off.   I’ve forgotten what it was like to sleep in for days at a time.  I’ve been waking up lately around 9:30ish and actually feel refreshed for a change.  I knew I was running on fumes the past few months and I felt really drained heading into the Christmas break. 

Christmas dinners at dad’s and with my brother’s extended family went relatively well.  At one of the dinners with my brother’s extended family, they were also celebrating the birth of a new baby boy.  He had beautiful blue eyes and looked fragile as he was only 7 days old.   He was born early so the parents were very careful with him.  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my dad staring at the baby.  He was asking the usual questions about the baby which surprised me.  He was also watching the grandmother hold the baby as well.  I couldn’t help but feel a bit disappointed.  I had hoped that he and my mom would one day hold my child.  I know they did but they have never mentioned that to me before.  I didn’t dwell on it though and just enjoyed the meal. 

I also enjoyed a great meal at my bf’s place over the holidays and got to play with the kids.  Actually it was just the baby I got to play with which was fine with me.  The older ones were busy with their computer games and/or TV.  I was so mesmerized watching the little one solve a two sided jigsaw puzzle.  He can do it with a bit of coaching.  When he goes home, he gives everyone a hug and a peck on the cheek.  Sometimes it’s a wet, sloppy kiss prompting howls of laughter and much face wiping.  But this time, it was just a nice, gentle little *smack*. 

 The only downside to this break is that I’ve caught a cold.  Thankfully there’s no body aches or fever but my throat feels like the primary battle ground for this virus.  I’ve been taking medication, herbal tea, tea with honey, lemon … I’ve also got the humidifier set on high.  I just hope this goes away soon.  It sort of put a damper on New Year’s Eve with my bf.  Instead of going out, he brought over some take out Vietnamese food and we just had a quiet evening.   He still rolls his eyes when I take food pictures though.

 

 Roast lamb made by my sister.

 

Prime rib from my brother. 

Take out Vietnamese food.  The rice was a bit cold by the time we got to eat it.  But we were so hungry it didn’t matter.  We had some sparkling wine at midnight.  

My Christmas shopping was mercifully brief.  I did most of the shopping at the stores in my neighborhood.  My bf and I also did a bit of shopping yesterday.  Every Christmas I see many people just spending money things that make them feel good – until they get the bill. 

I remember when my Christmas presents were shirts, socks, sweaters – practical things.  It was difficult for my parents to find the extra cash for Xmas gifts.  We had help from some of our relatives.  My grandfather (on my mom’s side), would mail us some money around holidays and stressed that it should be used for good food and good wine.  My uncle (also on my mom’s side) would do the same thing too.  So that those holiday dinners would mean more.  Back then a roast duck or roast pork was pricey.  We had those only on very special days.  My mom’s relatives also would send things like mushrooms, tea, dried shrimp, dried oysters.  Today, you can get them relatively cheaply at Chinese malls. 

We didn’t have any close relatives in the same city.  As an immigrant family, we just sort of stuck together – just us against the world.  It really felt that way.  I knew it was fruitless to wait for a bike, skates or stuff like that.  After our artificial Xmas tree more or less faded away, my mom just hung a lot of Christmas card around the fireplace (which we’ve never used).  We then placed our gifts down there.  It was simple and beautiful.  When my mom cooked – especially if she was steaming something, our windows would be covered with moisture.  Because the windows wasn’t that well insulated back then – the moisture would freeze over into amazing patterns. 

When my brother, sister and I started to work – we finally were able to get some higher priced items for our parents.   Sometimes it would be CDs, or tickets to the symphony, books, nicer clothes – stuff like that.  At times, we would chip in for a stereo and a TV.  For many years, we only had 1 TV and we had to learn to share.

I think one of the reasons why I don’t like Christmas is it reminds me of the things I couldn’t buy or have when I was growing up.  I know that my life was a lot easier than many, many other people though.  Looking back now, I probably won’t trade that experience even though it was very difficult for my parents. 

If I don’t write again tomorrow – I hope you all have a great Christmas and enjoy the holidays. 

Peace. 

Matt 

Dear Santa,

It has been many years since I last wrote to you.  I hope you still remember me.  I know if you check your archives you’ll still find some of my letters.  Perhaps you’re wondering why I’m writing to you after such a gap.  I know I am way past the age limit.  By the way, your jovial image is almost everywhere now.  They seem to show up earlier and earlier now.  Although I have a feeling you would be disappointed if you see them everywhere.

You know, Christmas was really fun when I was a wee lad.  My brother, sister,  mom and I would decorate the Christmas tree together.  Mom would handle the more delicate decorations.  We each had our own section and task.  Since dad was always at work, we gave him one task when he came home.  He would put the angel or the star at the top.  All those decorations, lights, the fake snow and the tree captivated my imagination for several weeks.  The excitement would slowly build in the days leading to Christmas.  Family and friends would drop by for dinners.  The kitchen always seemed to be a beehive of activity.  Mom and dad never ceased to remind me that you always knew if I was naughty or nice.  It was so tough sleeping the night before Christmas.    No matter how hard I tried though, I never could stay up all night to welcome you.  My dad always said if you knew I was waiting, you would not show up.  Christmas morning was an explosion of frantic playing accompanied by glees of laughter.  It was better than any candy I’ve tasted, better than the best cartoons, or comics and all the games I’ve played.  It was simply magic.   

The hardest thing was taking down the Christmas tree in January.  We knew that it would be a year before you showed up again.  To a child, a year felt like 2 school years… maybe even longer.

Santa – for Christmas this year, can you visit the child in me again?  I’m not a Grinch or a Scrooge.  I mean, if they can convert over from the “dark side”, surely I could too.  It’s just that I want to know you still exist even as the ice caps are melting.   I know Christmas is not about gifts.  It’s about giving and thinking of others.  It’s about family, friends and rekindling those bonds.  It’s about putting others first.  But I just don’t feel it.  I just need some reassurance that you’re still here even in these tough times.  I want to know you still remember us even if we haven’t written to you in such a long time.  I just want a sign or a spark.  I think I can take it from there.    

So on your way home from visiting all those brats kids, just pop by my condo.  I’ll have some good scotch out for you.  Perhaps you care for some pate, cheese, crackers or some wine instead?   All those milk and cookies – they can’t be good for your health. 

Yours sincerely,

 Matt

 P.S.  Best regards to Mrs. Claus and the elves.

I was driving to my dad’s place on Sunday and saw Christmas decorations up already at some houses.   That’s just a bit too early for me.  I also got an email from my brother about Christmas dinner.  I don’t know.  The past couple years, Christmas just isn’t the same. 

When I was a kid, I wrote letters to Santa.  We had a Christmas tree complete with  plastic snow.   I remember the joy of setting up the Christmas tree, listening to the carols,  On Christmas morning, there would be gifts.  Included with the gifts were little notes complimenting us on how well (or poorly) we did at school.  Santa left mud tracks by the side door (we didn’t have snow in the Philippines).  I remember watching TV shows showing Santa coming down by the chimney.  I was horrified.  We didn’t have a chimney.  But dad said he was sure Santa would come in by the side door and moved the furniture around so he could enter. 

The notes on how we did at school and at home were eerie.  How did he know so much?  A year or two later, I was doing my usual list to Santa.  School was out and we all got a chance to hang out with my dad at work.  His office was big and messy with papers piled everywhere.  Underneath one pile, I saw my letter to Santa.  At first I didn’t say anything.   But I did remind him afterwards to mail it because it will take a long time to get to the North Pole.  I think that’s when I lost that innocence

I guess that’s the feeling I have now.  Christmas has changed into something else for me.  It’s less exciting and sadly, I feel more cynical about it.  I just want to be a kid again at Christmas time. 

Last night, my bf and I spent a wonderful evening at a concert by Jacky Cheung.  I’ve never seen him before and I only know 1 of his songs.  I think the English translation of the title is One Thousand Heartbreaking Reasons.  I heard it once from my bf’s collection of Cantopop.  Well, I don’t really know the song  but rather then tune.  I was quite astounded at Jacky’s voice last night.  At times it was husky, almost sultry and it would then be silky smooth.  There were times when he spoke to the audience and I could only understand perhaps 30% of what he was saying.  Sometimes they would flash the lyrics on the screen as he was singing.  I only understood roughly 1 character in every line.

Despite the language barrier, I enjoyed the show very much.  I think I paid more attention to the emotion of the song, his voice and the music rather than the lyrics.  The only downside to last night was that the batteries to my camera were dead.  I should have recharged it but it was charged about 3 weeks ago and I never used it since.    Oh well, at least I had a relaxing time with my bf. 

Before the concert started, my bf was jokingly complaining to me that everytime he goes to these things, there’s never a “cutie pie” that sits beside him.  I arched my eyebrows and replied, but I sit beside you all the time at these things.  We both cracked out laughing while he tried to back track.  “I meant, on the other side… hahaha.” 

On another note, I’m just indifferent towards Christmas now.  I haven’t started my shopping and I have actually no interest.  Maybe I’ll start to dream about the ghosts of Christmas as Scrooge did. 

Here are some food shots from Chinatown taken some time ago.