This is actually a video used for corporate training.  It's from one of my favorite photographer, Dewitt Jones.  You don't have to be a photographer to enjoy this.  Some of you may have seen this already but I never get tired of it.  It's a preview copy so the quality isn't the greatest.  You'll also have to ignore the big PREVIEW in the video.  But the message is still clear.  It's about 22 minutes so grab a coffee or tea and enjoy.  

You can also watch the film here at his site:  http://www.celebratewhatsright.com/film

It's not embedding the "start" button but just click on the picture and the video should start.

 Stay positive everyone. 

When I reflect on where I am in life right now, it's not where I want it to be and more importantly where I need it to be.  My physical, emotional and mental health is so out of kilter.  Kachino left this for me - merci beaucoup.

I remember my dreams.  There are so many things to do before I can set my life back on track again.  Maybe this is life's way of jolting me out of my "comfort zone".  If I can't get the hint to move on, there's nothing like pain and misery to prompt me to move.  It's a kick in the ass when gentle hints won't do.  There's no sense wallowing in regret.  I can't give up.  I know whatever happens, I can't change overnight.  It'll be small and sometimes painful steps moving forward. 

Thinking and writing about work makes me depressed.  I do think I need a different way of managing my manager.  Tips, suggestions and advice are welcomed.

Although I am going through a difficult time at work, I remembered when I worked for another manager that was just as bad - if not worse.  I also think of all the crap my dad had to deal with when he first moved here.  The jobs he got were not what he was used to.  He was always told he didn't have enough Canadian experience.   He had his share of being unemployed while figuring out how to keep a roof over our heads, feeding us and paying the bills.  I can't imagine the stress and anxiety he and mom must have gone through.  The crap I go through now pales in comparison to what they went through.  Now I understand why my dad had a lot of problems sleeping.  He would always be up late reading.  I'm sure he was trying to forget his troubles and calm his mind.

My cousin who recently transferred to San Fran is also working really long hours (up to 80 hrs / week).   I don't know how he does it but I know he runs (I don't).  I hope work starts to slow down soon for him.  It would be nice to chat with him again.

I would also be remiss if I didn't mention how appreciative I am of my friends here.  Thank you all.

I work around 60 to 70 hrs a week now.  This includes weekends.  It's taken a toll on my health and emotional well being.  On Friday, J came over after work to cheer me up and drag me out to dinner.  We ended up at a French restaurant after walking around a bit.  I was so hungry I ate everything except for 1 small piece of bread.  It was a relaxing and quiet dinner.  I even had a glass of wine with dinner.  The next day,  I woke up early but got very sleepy and tired in the afternoon.  J came over and we picked up my cousin to grab a bite to eat.  It was good to chill out with my cousin and we all had a nice dinner with the usual jokes and insults flying all over the place.   

At dinner tonight, dad sensed work was still bothering me but he was at a loss for advice.  I wish I had stayed longer after dinner to chat with him.  But I had to get back to my work. 

Really, I'm a zombie now.  I have to be this way to put up with the crap.  I started to look around at different resources for career planning, job search and so on.  The most common advice is to find what I'm passionate about.  I stared at the screen and couldn't come up with anything, not one thing.  That really scared me. Then I got angry with myself for letting this happen. 

Does anyone want to hire an anonymous blogger? 

I've whined a lot about work.  I don't have my manager's backing and from what I can tell, he doesn't trust me anymore.  I should have planned my exit strategy earlier and not try to stick it out.  There's a difference in not giving up and walking away from a deteriorating situation.  When I leave I want to do it on my terms and hopefully in a positive manner.  I'm tired of the long hours.  I don't want to wake up nervous about what the day will be like. 

When I pray at night (on those nights when I feel weak), I pray for the strength to see me through this and to help me find my way. 

Thanks to all of you who have given me words of comfort, encouragement and support.

The stress from work hasn't let up.  The small team I work in is short staffed and it looks like it'll remain that way for a few more months.  I work almost every night now including a few hours on the weekends.  One of my colleagues has retired.  He told me he was glad he retired on his on terms and didn't get laid off.  We shared the same sense of humour and despite our very different backgrounds, we got along very well.  He listened when I had to vent, helped pushed back on management and provided some common sense advice.  My manager caught me off guard the other day when he asked me how long I still want to do this job.  I said a year or two at the most.  When I look around my company, I don't really see a lot of good jobs.  But I think I need to reboot my network and see what is out there.  I just feel so fatigued and depressed by work.

It's Christmas in less than a week and I haven't even done any shopping.  We usually have a secret Santa but no one is organizing it this year.  So I guess I have to do some shopping.  My default gift will be the good ol' red pouch. The toughest person to buy any gifts will be my dad.  The best gift I can give him will be my time.  The rest of my family and extended family will have to do with whatever I come up with. 

Looking back at past Christmas (when I was younger and less cynical), the best gifts were simple ones that I got from my parents.  I knew they worked hard for the money.  It was always tight.  If I got clothes, it wasn't the fancy name brands.  But it was new and it did the job.  I remember the Christmas meals.  We didn't have turkey.  It was usually a roast duck or lamb.  Sometimes my mom would debone a duck, stuff it with sticky rice, mushrooms, Chinese sausage and other things. It was always so complicated and she would spend hours in the kitchen preparing it.  We would take our time enjoying dinner.  We used the special dishes and cutlery along with the wine glasses. There would be a couple of long distance phone calls from relatives.

When mom had more time, she would make some dumplings and steam them.  The windows would be covered with the humidity and it would quickly freeze up.  I always thought the windows that never sealed tight created the most wonderful ice patterns. 

I haven't created any special Christmas memories these past few years.  I need to change things around.

Work continues to be difficult but I feel a bit less stressed after writing that last entry.  I appreciate all of you who left words of encouragement, support and prayers.  It doesn't feel like I'm bearing this burden by myself.  Thank you for being part of this wonderful community. 

Last week, J cooked some congee and I devoured a large bowl.  Afterwards, I told him it was very good.  He replied I was stating the obvious.  I'm glad he doesn't have an ego when it comes to cooking.  We watched Lincoln afterwards.  I thought it was very good and it held my attention for the full 2 1/2 hours.  It was good to enjoy life for awhile.  J and I also hung out with my cousin as well this past weekend.  The 3 of us enjoy each other's company and shared some good food and laughter.  But I did work pretty well a full day on Saturday (deep sigh). 

It's crazy that Christmas is here.  I wish I could just reschedule it as I do when I get a meeting invitation at work.  I'm sure I'll pay dearly for those words.  The ghosts of Xmas past, present and future will visit me soon. 

I went out for a walk tonight.  Along the way, I came across the usual characters in my neighbourhood. 

• an angry woman who was screaming at someone.  Her eyes were wide with rage as I slowly walked past her. 
• city workers in their garbage trucks emptying the trashbins.
• a grocery storeowner putting away the fruits and flowers for the night. 
• people clinging on to the weekend and saying slow goodbyes outside a bar
• a drunk peeing on the sidewalk. 
• a homeless man trying to sleep
• a cook in his whites smoking on the sidewalk
• dog walkers.... lots of them
• another angry person, this time it was a man who clenched his jaw and squinted his eyes.  He looked like Clint Eastwood. 
• a woman by a shelter door, one foot in and one foot out. 
• a young man carrying some take out food, he looked tired and dirty. 

As I neared my building, I saw a small woman with a big black dog crossing the street to my side.  The dog was bigger than the average German Shepherd and kept sniffing at the sidewalk, trees, light posts and shrubs.  They were about 20 yards in front of me.  All of a sudden the woman yanked the dog to her left and crossed the street again.  I stopped and wondered why.  The large trees on this section of the sidewalk creates large pockets of shadows.  I peered ahead and saw a trashbin with some trash the overflowed on to the ground.  Then I saw something small, dark with a thin white stripe.  It was a skunk.   The woman was almost on the other side when she turned towards me and yelled "Watch out!".  She continued her walk and didn't look back to see if I heeded her warning.  I crossed the street and hoped the skunk stayed on the other side of the street. 

I got home safe and sound.  I think we need more people in life to yell "watch out!".  Thank you ma'am *tips hat*.  

Dad asked me to renew his National Geographic magazine.  He held out the renewal card and told me, "I think a 1 year subscription will do.  I don't think I'll be around that long anymore."  I nodded and took it from him.  I still can't bring myself to check the box and send it in.   I wish I could just add more years to his life by checking a box.  But his body is gradually slowing down.